"This'd have to be the worst mission we've ever undertaken."
"Jack, he can hear you."
"So?" I scowl at Daniel then back down at the monster that currently has its fangs buried in my calf.
"Well, he seemed to be getting calmer for a while there and I thought I might have been able to distract him into letting go of your leg by showing him this." Daniel holds an energy bar aloft with a triumphant grin.
"Right, yeah, sure thing. This hairball is obviously a meat eater, Daniel. How do I know this?" I hold a finger aloft as he starts to reply. "Rhetorical question, Daniel, but the fact he's got his fangs stuck at least six inches deep into my leg ought to give us a clue."
"I do not believe the creature's teeth are six inches long, O'Neill." Teal'c crouches next to the thing and peers more closely at it than I'd want to. "It is in fact female," he adds. "She has teats," he goes on, as if that matters somehow.
"Well, *her* teeth feel six inches long," I mutter. "So, Daniel," I ask pleasantly, "what makes you think Cousin It here is going to deprive itself of the pleasure of munching down on my flesh for one of those crummy Air Force bars?"
"I have no idea," Daniel admits. "I just thought it was worth a try, that's all." He hunkers down a foot away from my leg and holds out the bar, crooning, "Here, nice kitty, come and get it."
Kitty slides its eyes sideways and looks the bar over speculatively. Sweat's pouring down my face now and I'm feeling decidedly dizzy.
Teal'c shores me up by taking one of my arms over his shoulder.
"Thanks, big guy, feeling a little dizzy here."
"Fortunately, 'Kitty' has her teeth plugging the wounds so there is not an inordinate amount of blood loss at this stage," Teal'c says in what I'm sure is the Jaffa equivalent of reassuring.
"Well, geez, thanks for that visual, T."
Kitty suddenly looks more interested in the bar Daniel's still wafting under her nose and in a flash she releases my leg and makes a lunge for it.
"Ah shit!" Daniel yells as Kitty misses the bar and latches onto his hand.
There's a sudden flash of blue lightening arcing over the animal's body and Kitty yowls and slumps unconscious to the ground.
Daniel jerks backward from the jolt and falls onto his back, his eyes doing that slow motion blinking thing he does when he gets zatted.
"Sorry, sir, Daniel," Carter says, jogging towards us, holstering the zat on the run. "I was actually hoping to hit her before she latched onto Daniel."
I slump onto my ass and grab for my leg with both hands only to have them batted away from the wound by Teal'c. "Do not touch," he warns me as he grabs the first aid kit Carter is holding out to him.
"How's Daniel?" I grit out through clenched teeth as Teal'c tips a hugely healthy dose of antiseptic over the fang marks in my calf. "Ouch! Easy there, Marcus Welby."
Teal'c quirks an eyebrow at that but doesn't reply.
"Daniel's a little groggy, sir, and he's got a nasty bite on his hand but I'm sure he'll be fine. I think we should get you both back to the SGC as soon as possible though." Carter looks warily around the clearing we're in. "I'm a little worried your furry friend here might have relatives in the area."
"Teal'c, how about you zat Kitty there one more time to put her out of our misery and then we'll head for home?" I say, watching as Carter helps Daniel sit up. "You all right, Daniel?"
Daniel gives a shaky smile and a nod that's only half convincing then lets Carter help him to his feet.
Teal'c walks over to Kitty and pulls out his zat. Then he puts it back in its holster and very gently reaches down and lifts the creature into his arms.
"Ah, Teal'c, you can't keep it," I warn. "No way is the General going to buy into 'she followed me home'"
Teal'c just nods and carries Kitty into the bushes surrounding the clearing. When he comes back he hauls me to my feet and helps me limp to the DHD where Carter and Daniel are waiting for us. "She may have young ones who are reliant on her return," he says as Carter dials us home.
"The minute we get back, I'm getting you a cat," I say. The wormhole engages and it's never looked more beautiful. "Let's go home, kids."